Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut

Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine.

Diddley piddley poo.

Mount Rushmore was designed by a man who thought that the mountain would look more beautiful with faces in it. However, his name was not Count Rushmore. It was Gutzon Borglum.

And so it goes …