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Wednesday · November 23 2005

Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut

Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine.

Diddley piddley poo.

Mount Rushmore was designed by a man who thought that the mountain would look more beautiful with faces in it. However, his name was not Count Rushmore. It was Gutzon Borglum.

And so it goes …

© 2005 Jason Keglovitz