Stacy took this picture of me in a gift shop in downtown Colorado Springs, Christmas 2003. Notice my look of joyful naivete with the cardboard “Instant Infant.” The advertising describes the boy as “The Perfect Baby.” Presumably, you pay your $10, open the plastic, unfold the child, and prop him up in the corner to look at and admire his silent ways.

We wanted no part of this “Instant Infant.” “We want the real thing,” we said. No quiet, non-blood curdling screaming, non-writhing, relaxed, consistently-eating, soundly-sleeping children for us. No, siree!

This week, we had a chance to take three types of pictures.

1. Eating
2. Sleeping
3. The screaming you see above

#1 is out because closeups of my wife's boob don't belong here and if I'm feeding him with a bottle, you can bet Stacy is sleeping or in no mood to go find the camera. #2 is out because we're usually outside doing victory laps around the block while he sleeps. The only other time he sleeps is when he's in the Baby Bjorn and you can't see his face which is either smashed into the afore-mentioned boob or on my chest, in which case you can bet Stacy is sleeping or in no mood to go find the camera.

So you get #3, because I'm all about “fair and balanced” coverage. The cute pictures are on strike until morale improves. All the literature we've read says this could take anywhere from another month to the 22nd birthday.