Thursday · August 12 2004
defective yeti's Cinematic Supervillain Showdown
Just another brilliant and funny idea from Matthew Baldwin's head. I took the time with my high-tech MS Paint skills to fill out my own entry.
Notable first round matchups:
- Jaws vs. A shitload of nazis: You know Jaws will eat the first nazi. And if Jaws eats the first nazi, Jaws shouldn't have much problem with the nazi after the first. By induction, we can show that Jaws can eat some number of nazis which we'll call n. Since we can make n arbitrarily large, we'll make n larger than A shitload. Jaws wins. QED.
- Hannibal Lecter vs. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: Marshmallows are not part of the diet. Crowd-favorite Lecter should fall to an unfair matchup.
- Sauron vs. Ferris Bueller's Principal: A total mismatch, but this is the best “What the fuck?” movie title in the first round.
Second round:
- The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man vs. Darth Vader: Can anyone sit through a light saber slicing through white, sugary goo for 90 minutes?
- Terminator vs. Sauron: Futuristic, cybernetic assassins are made of tougher stuff than sedentary, suburban principals. Sauron is an eye. The Terminator will make Gandalf's shredding of Uruk-hai look like a tai-chi warmup.
Final Four:
- Master Control Program vs. The Terminator: This is a geeky box-office flop waiting to happen. MCP comes out of a weak West region with no true bad-ass heavyweight. I coulda taken the Wicked Witch of the West for style points, but can you really see her making it past a pack of dinosaurs? Terminator wins for some esoteric, technical reason that will spawn blogosphere arguments fit to dwarf The Matrix philoso-muck we suffered through last year.
- Jaws vs. Agent Smith: You thought you had seen every form of saline dismemberment in Jaws vs. A shitload of nazis, but that was a toe-dipping focus group of gore compared to this 4-hour repetition of ingestion. Jaws wins due to the same logic of proof in Round 1.
Championship Game:
- Terminator vs. Jaws: 2 classic kings of bad-ass. 1 movie. If the matchup movie villian idea was alive in 1985, we'd be swimming in Terminator DVD re-releases now. Despite the fact that Jaws has proved Jaws can eat a shitload of nazis and an arbitrarily large, but eventually limited number of Agent Smiths and Terminator lost to a guy named Reese, I'll take Terminator giving the field goal. I've seen The Terminator at least 15 times.
i liked the new addition of the deliverance guys. i would also include the daughter from the 'ring', the kiddie collector from 'chitty chitty bang bang', jack torrance from 'the shining', the shaky head people in 'jacob's ladder', the mirror sunglassed cop in 'cool hand luke', 'mr. (i don't remember his color) ear cutter in 'reservoir dogs', billy bob thornton in 'one false move', the rabbit in 'donnie darko', all the evil villians in 'charlotte's web'/'babe'/disney movies, joe pesci in 'goodfellas', travis bickel in 'taxidriver', rutger hauer in 'the hitcher', bob from 'twin peaks', tony m. in 'scarface', the "it puts the lotion in the basket" skin dress wearing killer in 'silence of the lambs', and the good/bad guys- 'king kong', 'dirty harry' and 'jason bourne'.
Beautiful, Kel.
Nobody has mentioned Chucky. He has a new one this fall/winter: Seed of Chucky. This has to be the most poorly done trailer I've ever seen...
http://www.apple.com/trailers/focus_features/seed_of_chucky/
The movie home page isn't much better. Sperm floating in a doll's eye? Sign me up!
http://www.seed-of-chucky.com/home.html
I seem to remember you like comic books. Are you going to the Comic Book Convention in Rosement this weekend (http://www.wizarduniverse.com/conventions/chicago.cfm)? I'm excited about Josh Whedon & Amber Benson (Buffy stars) being there. Chances are I won't be able to go, so I have two sets of comp tickets for Sat & Sun if you or anyone else here wants them.
I won't be going, John. I have a pretty full day and night tomorrow and we need to catch up around the house post-vacation on Sunday. Thanks for the offer.
I'm not really a big comic book type, but I do like geeky conventions. One of these years I'm going to make it to LA for the E3 video game convention.
Kelly: The name is Mr Blonde. Essentially the same character is played by John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.
Hahaha! Followed the link from Defective Yeti to here.
I'm bummed, I had five bucks riding on HAL to beat the MCP in the final round. Yeah, it was 5,000-to-1 odds, especially since the MCP had nastier software. But who's to say that the Monoliths wouldn't have given our spacefaring schizo a surreptitious boost...
The "it puts the lotion in the basket" skin dress wearing killer in 'silence of the lambs' was named Jame 'Buffalo Bill' Gumb. But I wouldn't put too much money on him. I'd see him falling in an early round; I just don't see him doing too well against anyone other than unsuspecting girls.