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Thursday · July 08 2004

Before the vice-presidential debate we'll see between now and November, watch A Few Good Men first. Substitute John Edwards for Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise) and Dick Cheney for Col. Nathan R. Jessup (Jack Nicholson). Edwards is going to bring up the missteps in Iraq, Cheney's ties to Halliburton and his white-knuckled death grip on the belief that Iraq slept with Al Qaeda. Dick will take a deep breath and launch into Jessup's famous monologue:

Son, we live in a world that has walls boardrooms, and those walls boardrooms have to be guarded by men with guns rich friends and endless Iraqi oil contracts. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg Sen. Kerry? I have more responsibility here than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago Iraqi civilians, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death the Iraq war, while tragic, probably saved lives made me a ton of cash. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives makes my friends a ton of cash. I know deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you don't want me on that wall in that boardroom, you need me on that wall in that boardroom. We use words like honor, code, loyalty fear, oil, and stockholders. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something making asswads of cash. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom oil I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it. I prefer you said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon get in my back pocket, and stand to post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Dick Cheney makes an angry face

It could happen.

Archived: Political » July 2004
What you had to say:
July 08 2004

That is amazing. Jaw-dropping. You're right, it could happen. Even if it doesn't, it's easy to imagine. Great work.

July 08 2004

he he...I loved every minute of this post!

July 08 2004

Thanks, this was a fun one to do. I'll have to investigate and see if more movie monologues lend themself to this sort of thing.

July 08 2004

Cheney should read this. After he finishes mumbling at his monitor ("Go fuck yourself, Kegz, whoever you are") he might realize you've given him some of the best political advice he'll ever get.

Maureen Dowd did a nice job on him today too ( ), but your post is funnier. Can I send her the link?

July 08 2004

I liked Dowd's article as well. You can certainly send her the link.

July 13 2004

Great stuff - he can't handle the truth.

© 2004 Jason Keglovitz