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Thursday · March 18 2004

Theme funerals compiled by the National Funeral Directors and Morticians Association.


Horse Racing: Rent the track during off-season. Viewing in the horse stables, and jockey uniform on the deceased. Use racing tickets and racing booklet as program, with obituary included within.

New Orleans Jazz Funeral: Two-horse-drawn hearse with jazz band leading to cemetery. Along with two dozen doves released.

Wal-Mart (or special store of choice): Have the viewing room in a store. Use signs, discounts, and items most purchased by the deceased.

When the topic of aging and dying comes up in conversation, younger people often say two things — Just kill me before you put me in one of those homes and When I die, I want everyone to throw a big party. I'm not that old, but I've yet to see a real party at a funeral and plenty of elderly people are unhappily living in nursing homes. Death is often described as either tragic or a relief. When we look at it that way, neither of those circumstances begs a celebration.

As much as I'd like to look ahead and hope that my survivors are toasting my life in a room full of streamers, eating a big chocolate cake, listening to a good mix tape on the speakers and watching the kids in the corner duke it out at a 4 HDTV Xbox setup of Halo 10, that's optimistic. I suppose It's easiest for everyone to go the convenient route and gather in crusty funeral homes decorated in Victorian or Italiante. Convenience, there's the problem.

I'm not trying to be flippant, but it's not practical to book the Metro or Empty Bottle in the short time after death. I'm glad none of the theme funerals had to do with a cubicle. That would be sad.

(N.B. You're not allowed to flip out because I'm talking about death. I'm simply musing because a New Orleans Jazz Funeral sounds like it could be a good time.)

What you had to say:
March 18 2004

just cremate me, please.
and throw me off pike's peak.

© 2004 Jason Keglovitz