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Thursday · December 18 2003

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assholes

  1. Never respect anyone unless you're sure they could physically beat you up. This includes your own mother, police officers, teachers, the president, your boss and the Pope.
  2. Criticize everything, no matter how mundane or pointless it may be.
  3. Always cut people off, whether you’re talking, driving, or having sex.
  4. Flick cigarette butts at everything—all the time. Even if you don't smoke.
  5. Call everyone you meet by the nickname "Chief." (Always roll your eyes when you say it.) For extra emphasis, roll your eyes, say "Chief" and flick a cigarette butt at the same time.
  6. Always precede the word "man" with either "little," "Mr.," or "old."
  7. Noogie every small child you meet until they cry--including newborn babies.
I'd like to add a #8...Talk during movies. Make sure to keep your voice at a just audible whisper to thoroughly distract and annoy all around you while you explain the first 5 hours of the epic trilogy to your girlfriend who doesn't like "elves and all that dungeons and dragonsy stuff."

Good list.


© 2003 Jason Keglovitz