More good stuff from McSweeney's lists.
Wife: "Does your wife know?"
Me: "You are my wife; what do you mean?"
Wife: "Ha, ha. It's a joke."
W: "You are! You're my daddy!"
M: "But I didn't even ask."
W: "Yes, but I wanted you to know that I knew who you were anyway."
W: "What's your name?"
M: "No, no. You're supposed to say, 'What's MY name?' It's an assertion of sexual dominance."
W: "No, that's not at all what I meant. Never mind."
W: "You know, the baby doesn't look like you at all."
M: "Yeah, maybe."
W: "He looks a lot like... oh! Ha-ha; funny I never thought of that."